Darwin and Divorce.

Put Two Monkey Traits on Low Heat, Stir Occasionally.

        So this guy here is Darwin.  Now, I'm just a little ancy right now, because I can feel the militant Darwinists and Anti-Darwinists (Darwinians?  Darwinese?) both waiting to attack as soon as I say anything.  Easy now, fellas.  I ain't lookin' for trouble.  I'm not going to say whether we came from monkeys or no.  I'm just going to talk about how he ruins marriages.

         Yep.  Thasswright.  See, Darwin said that the only creature that would survive were ones with certain traits, and they passed on those traits to their little baby creatures.  Say, all the animals that like to eat live, and the ones that hate eating, die.   Freud loved these concepts, and said, "Yes! That is why we find pleasure in eating, and experience the pain of hunger when we don't!"  And thus the Pleasure Principle was born.   Most psychologists believe that most of what we do can be 100% explained by our evolutionary desire to feel good and not feel pain.

Sprinkle in Powdered-wig Philosophers

         Mix in some philosophy, (please don't leave just because I said philosophy!  I promise not to talk about it long!) like Thomas Hobbes, who says in "The Leviathan" that 'good' means getting what you want, and 'bad' means pain.  So he says without laws we all try to force what we want out of each other and spend the whole time fighting, and the big guys win until somebody makes a government, and they tell us what is 'good' and 'bad' by making laws for us to follow or else.  (Okay, political junkies, go stand over by the people that want to fight about Darwin.  I promise this isn't a post about the role of government.)

         Locke hated the idea that we needed a guy to bash us over the head to make us get along.  He figured we all would do it voluntarily once we saw how much it helped us individually be safe and helped us stay free to follow our dreams.

        So what?  Why the old dead philosopher's disagreement?  Well, no matter which one you pick, you obey the government so you can get what you want.  Same with Adam Smith's work,which would later play a big role in the creation of American Capitalism; you work to get more stuff for you, and that='good.'  Same with most religions; you follow these rules to get what you want from God.  Did you catch that?  They way we think about religion, political philosophy, science, psychology, it all tells us that the way to be happy is to seek pleasure for yourself.

Drizzle Over Children, Marinate for Centuries

         So here we are, centuries later, having been taught all these things for years and years.  My guess is that most of us recoil at the idea that Americans believe that we are only supposed to do things that serve us selfishly.  We don't like to think of ourselves that way.  Yet what is the "American Dream?"  May I suggest that it looks like this: 

        We dream of being able to satisfy all our own desires, and gain as much power as we can.  We idolize people who have enough money that they don't need to do anything.  We teach our businessmen to force suppliers and employees to accept as little payment as possible, and force customers to pay as much as possible for the same thing; not to try to help everybody get the best deal out of the whole arrangement.

        We are taught of Darwin in elementary school, Locke and Hobbes in history, blessings and punishments at church, and commissions and bottom lines at work.  Everywhere, we are told that 'good' means ease for me, comfort for me, satisfied appetites for me, and that is why we work, eat, marry, go to church.  We do everything we do so that we can 'feel good.'   The underlying assumption from all these lessons is that if it is hard, or painful, or doesn't serve me, then it is not 'right.' 

Add A Little Disclaimer, Season to Taste...

        Now, I am a capitalist.  I think that Darwin was right about many things, and can see many evidences of evolution.  I am a Christian, and believe that it brings me happiness.  I actually really like both Hobbes and Locke, and tons of other philosophers.  Freud, well, okay, I don't like him very much.  I believe that business is not evil, and neither is wealth and profit.  I say that personal ambition is a good thing.  I just believe that these things only work right when we have a larger picture than "me."  I mean, they do inspire hard work, creativity, many other good things.  I believe that most of us are good people, and care about others around us.  Yet when many of us stop and think about the big things in our lives, we think almost entirely, "is this working for me?" I think we give too much weight to "is this working for me?"  rather than "is this working?"

Dissolve Marriage in the Mixture, and Serve.  Makes 2,000,000 Annually.

        Okay, you all see this punch coming.  So these founding American principles get misapplied in marriage.  Marriage is not and cannot be about the "me."  That kind of self-focus kills marriages.  Here is a list of Top 10 reasons for divorce: 

1. Lack of communication.  

2. Finances. 

3. Feeling constrained. 

4. Trust. 

5. Expectations from each other. 

6. Your spouse doesn't understand / fulfill your needs and desires. 

7. Quick change in lifestyle. 

8. Insecurity. 

9. Religious and cultural differences. 

10. Abuse. 

        What a list of ME, ME, ME.  Not all of these are always caused be selfishness alone, but there are elements of it in almost every one of these.  Here's the subtext:

1. Lack of communication.   Sometimes this means they don't know how to communicate, but usually one or both partners just become less invested in the other; less focused on finding out what the other person thinks or feels, more on self.  We seek to be understood, not seek to understand. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you over all the things I want to say."

2. Finances.  Either one person is spending too much the way that they think it should be spent, or they feel that they never have the money for the things they want to buy.  Stress arises as blame for my unhappiness is thrown around.  This isn't always the way.  Being broke can cause a lot of stress, and spawn disagreements.  (Ask me how I know!)  Still, you can see how it's less of a problem when seen as our problem rather than your fault.

3. Feeling constrained.  In other words, "I don't get to do the things I want."  I hate the nickname "ball-and-chain," even as a joke.  Your spouse is your teammate.  Sometimes this feeling of being limited by your spouse is real; there are some truly controlling people in the world (you know, ones interested only in self?) but I think there are a lot of molehills made into mountains by people who don't get that working relationships mean sacrifice.  

4. Trust.  When you can't trust the other partner to keep both of your best interests in mind, instead of acting selfishly. 

5. Expectations from each other.  Expectations of stuff you should do for me.   

6. Your spouse doesn't understand / fulfill your needs and desires.   This is the big one.  Do I really need to say more?  "You aren't serving my happiness." 

7. Quick change in lifestyle.  Here, the explanation from the website is all I need. "Couples that can’t compromise and meet in the middle are unable to adapt to new changes and be together in harmony."  (Italics added.)

8. Insecurity.  When one partner is selfish, the other will often not feel that the relationship is stable.  Same thing if one partner has an unrealistic idea of what the other is supposed to give.

9. Religious and cultural differences.  Okay, this one is different, and complex.  Some of them are moral standpoints, others can seem that way.  Still, some of it can be unwillingness to compromise for selfish reasons.

10. Abuse.  Abuse is one person trying to get what they want out of the other at the expense of the other. Pure and simple.

        There you have it.  We are taught that, by nature, we are alive and survive to seek pleasure; our own needs.  All that we do is to serve that as the greatest good.  What are the ways we say "I love you"?  I need you.  You make me happy.  You are everything I ever wanted.  Most chick flicks have lines of a guy pleading a girl to take him back because "Since you left, I've cried every night, food has no taste;"  ....So please come back to end my pain and make me happy.   We have selfish reasons to love hidden in our cliche lines of love; the one thing that is supposed to be selfless.  Given this education in love and right and wrong, is it any wonder we have trouble seeing reasons to stay in marriage when the going gets tough?  That's my theory, anyhow.  Tons of other factors, but I think this is the bottom line.  My voice is one in the millions on this issue; take or leave it.

        So then you must ask... If not for our happiness, why?  If we don't follow religion, get married, get a job, work for happiness or for our own good... Why?  Should we seek pain and misery, or what?  Tune in tomorrow and find out. Well, maybe not tomorrow. I think I might give serious stuff a rest until next week. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.